An A? Why not an A+. An A+? Must have been an easy course

These are the types of comments I often heard in my childhood/teenage years.

I have always been striving for perfection, success, and brilliance. And up until a few months ago, I genuinely thought that comments such as the title would drive me to do better. But do they really?

Constantly striving for perfection is exhausting, as it is impossible. I once heard that you should not play with your cat with lasers because it causes the cat distress that they cannot catch the “object”, since it is simply a light source – whether this is true or not I think this is an excellent metaphor for what it feels like to strive for perfection.

So what did these comments actually do to me?

While the comments did make me strive to do my absolute best since I’d put my all into a project/event/exam/etc if the outcome was less than perfect (it often was) not only would I be crushed, but it would disintegrate me for days. I would be in so much distress. I’d lose sleep. And worst of all, I’d be horrible to myself. I often hear “You are your own worst critique” – well I am my own most cruel bully.

I became so self-critical that not reaching a specific goal or mark would send me into a negative spiral with horrible thoughts against myself and my intelligence but similarly, reaching a goal or receiving an award would always be followed by the thought of “I don’t deserve this”.

What made me realize I had a problem?

As I mentioned, it was only recently that I realized that this is how I am talking to myself. My therapist made me act out a scenario:

“What would you say to [person close in my life that is struggling]”?

I’m sorry life is hard. You are doing your best. You are beautiful. You are strong. Soon this will pass and things will get better.

“What would you say to your younger self?”

I’m sorry. You deserved better. You did your best and you should be proud of yourself.

“What would you say to yourself now?”

Why didn’t you do better?

To say my therapist was horrified is an understatement. She told me to try again. Act if you have to. Lie.

I sat in silence for what felt like 30 minutes (it was probably more like 60 seconds).

I can’t. It makes me feel gross and icky.

In the end, I ended up saying some fluff about how good I am at science communication. I think pulling teeth would have been easier than that therapy session.

That was the most uncomfortable thing I ever had to do. To be nice to myself. But it was a step in the right direction.

So how did I stop this train of thought?

Well, I haven’t… fully. But I am trying. I started small.

I started celebrating my achievements. First I would only celebrate the big ones: E.G. Getting a new job or receiving an award. But now the things I celebrate can be small accomplishments: E.G. Finishing a difficult/full to-do list or sending an email that I have been procrastinating due to fear of the response. My celebrations tend to correlate with the achievement. I’m not going to throw a party for sending an email, but perhaps I’ll have a glass of wine with dinner.

I started acknowledging & believing what people are saying. When people tell me I did well, instead of belittling that achievement I now say “thank you”. This one came easy to me, as I realized I make people uncomfortable when I belittle myself after they’ve given me a compliment. The believing part came a bit later.

I have started to compliment myself. This one took the longest. Even now I only compliment myself when it is clear I have achieved something: “I won this award for my presentation, I am a good science communicator”. I’m sure I will get better.

The most important part is that I am kinder to myself. Being horrible to myself didn’t achieve anything but sadness, anxiety, and loneliness.